What not to do at a restaurant...

Usually when I go to restaurants I don't pay much attention to the people around me; either because I'm engaged with whomever I'm with, or because the people around are just boring blurs. Tonight was an exception which prompted me to start this new blog- Overheard. I've decided to chronicle all the crazy shit I hear and/or see while out and about.

Tonight my boyfriend and I had dinner at INK in West Hollywood and bore witness to a total shit show. At first I thought the couple next to us (an Asian woman and an old, big bellied white man who looked like he might be part of the Russian mafia) were just another snoozey couple. They were eating some octopus (gross) and drinking a bottle of red wine. Well, the Asian woman must have consumed the lionshare of the wine because she went from quiet to Whitney Houston crazy in about 30 seconds. She gets up and tries to squeeze in next to her man (or father) on his side of the table and totally started slurring her words really loud. She must have thought that the restaurant was louder than it really was because I heard her loud and clear. I couldn't help but watch the shit show to my right. It's like watching a car accident- you can't turn away.

Now I'm not 100% certain of what she was ranting about but I do know she was bitching about being 37 and unmarried. Old man just sat there eating his dessert, totally ignoring her crazy ass, and not playing into her drama. Good for you old dude! I honestly felt awkward for him. Then the Asian lady went back to her seat and he got the bill and was going to pay but then she totally grabbed the bill from the waiter and INSISTED on paying. Why would you do that?! The funny part was that this crazy bitch busted out a wad of $20s and took about 10 minutes trying to count her money and make sure she was paying the correct amount. It's hard to pay the bill when your drunk ass can't count.

After she finishes talking down at her old man date she tries to stand up and make her way out the door. Old man had to help her out since her drunk ass couldn't walk a straight line. I was glad when they left because they were ruining my apple with burnt wood ice cream dessert.

Here are some key takeaways from this story:

1) Never tell your age in public if you're over 29
2) Don't get wasted if you can't keep your shit together
3) Don't bring your old man date to a hip restaurant wearing his diarrhea brown cable knit sweater
4) Don't pay when your date already got it covered- that's just stoopid!
5) Don't bring up marriage when you're drunk- this won't make your date want to marry you EVER
     a) When you're dating an old man and you aren't old, odds aren't he isn't looking for marriage
6) When the people next to you bust out their phones and start furiously typing away, it's probably because your ass is loud and they are posting about you on Facebook- be aware of your surroundings!

Stay tuned for my next humorous observation on the next blogisode of "Overheard."